Delicious Ambiguity

Surprisingly, this post is going to be about yoga. Please do your very best to bear with me while I get there.

I am a big Saturday Night Live fan. Therefore, I am also a Gilda Radner fan. Any chick that is funny, goofy, intelligent and soulful is one that I would most definitely like to chill with. Gilda was an exceptionally insightful woman and I think of this quote when I think of her,

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.” 

Delicious ambiguity terrifies me. I spend the majority of my existence waiting for one shoe to drop and doing every single thing in power to try and stop the flipping shoe from inevitably dropping.

It's exhausting. I am so tired I am literally falling asleep as I write this. I hope you aren't as well.

Over the past two years I have learned just how accurate Gilda's words are. Two years of events, goodbye's and losses and I am still, to this very moment, trying to control things. Still trying to wrap my arms around things that I have no business putting my arms anywhere near.

And this is where yoga comes in. Sweaty, challenging, peaceful yoga. Boom.

The past three weeks have been particularly hard. I won't get into all of the sob-filled details but I've desperately needed to stop. Just stop, be in the moment and appreciate what I have right now. Working in an extremely faced paced, high stress office all day doesn't really lend itself to moments of zen. That is why I decided to purchase myself a 12 class card to a local yoga studio.

Why yoga?

Well, I have taken yoga classes before and the one thing I can recall from the classes is that all I can think about during class is what is going on in class at that very moment.

"Don't fall"
"Breathe"
Don't fall"
"Breathe"

That is my "mantra" for about 90 minutes. I can literally do nothing but focus on the now. Focus on the drop of sweat hitting my mat or the searing pain in my bum muscle that I didn't know existed. My mind doesn't wander to the unanswered text messages or the empty spot on my couch. It stays in the yoga studio room and participates in each and every moment.

This same laser focus can be... and I hope will be... transferred outside the studio, off the mat. And I am hoping practicing yoga can help me get there. Get to a place of "Radner-ness". Delicious Ambiguity.

xx M